JOKES OF THE DAY
Really, Really Funny Jokes
IRONIC JOKES
I Left The Key in the Car!
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention
together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked
to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their
room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.
I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of
the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing &
Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
THE GOLD BAR
This fellow comes home from a bar and is very
drunk. His wife asks him where he was and he replies that he was at a bar that had Gold Carpet, Gold Curtains, Gold Shot Glasses
and even a Gold Urinal. His wife told him to go to bed as he was drunk, and that no bar has a Gold Urinal, so he went to bed.
She got to wondering where he was that night, so she called the 1st bar and asked bartender if they had Gold Carpet, which
he replied "No!" So, she called the 2nd bar and asked if they had a Gold Carpet, and the bartender also said "No, they didn't."
As a last resort, she called the last bar and asked the same question. The bartender answered back saying "Yes! We even have
Gold Curtains and Gold Shot Glasses." His wife asked the bartender if she could ask him one more question. He said "Go for
it." She asked him if they happened to have a Gold Urinal, then she could hear the bartender holler "Hey, Mac! Take the other
line, I think we have a lead on that guy who pissed in the Saxophone."
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker
bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking
meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool,
looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very
nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do
you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could
your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
An elderly widow and widower were dating for
about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke,
he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an
hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone,
but I couldn't remember who it was."
A well dressed business man was walking down
the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped,
carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter
to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off
running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend
stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business
man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three,
I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to
his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news,"
the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I
got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they
see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide
to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and
once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's
inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The
friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are
short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign
reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left,
they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all
excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head
on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that
there is no way to please a woman."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field
trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One
of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out
on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and
he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's
no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality
of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his
license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you
can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give
her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a
lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down
enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam
war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the
first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could
do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water,
the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy
put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
The new employee stood before the paper shredder
looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple,"
she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact,
beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The
pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette
break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he
begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that
work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues
on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his
trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the
lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"
Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided
he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought
up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family." "But
Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week." "We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think
you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married,
you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three
years ago."
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard
plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard
Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Jones came into the office an hour late for the
third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's
hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive
me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across
the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top
of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that,
Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the
sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in
front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.
On
the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line
again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more
time, I don't open the damn store!"
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois
State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks
to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have
a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they
return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy
looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have
a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot
is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your
situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without
saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its
$10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists,
dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it
to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says,
"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced
each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced
to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you
can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached
each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and
shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You
still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned
to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The
boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls
light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful
24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a
drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery
as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile.
The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to
become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of
the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had
the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer
responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced
out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and
Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was
referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket
for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another
minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse
to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression
and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine
would have had to!"
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a
present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment,
and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break
up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from
New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes
later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant.
"Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and
down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling
up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says
the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with
a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around,
leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant,
"that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The
driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put
my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only
job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman
so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry.
He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith
overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went
on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have
a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was
related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off
a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the
whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these
girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice
in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive
private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer,
his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is
my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon
get him out of that terrible habit."
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said
Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps
of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said
Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres
from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do
that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would
scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been
driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
DAPSAM INTERNATIONAL
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